I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
