he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize