i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
