I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
