I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize