My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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