things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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