Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
