my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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