My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is Oprah even human
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
