Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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