wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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