all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
