So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
