at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
