Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize