Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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