I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
