My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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