Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I need to calm my uterus...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
