Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
