i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
