Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
