i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
