Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
