I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
