maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
