also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
