I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize