just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
