we're chasing vodka with high fives
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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