just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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