I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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