i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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