I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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