Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
