I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
