you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
