I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
