I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
