I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
