Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
