it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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