when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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