The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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