i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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