last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
accomplished twins. life is a go
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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