well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I skipped work to stalk him.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
