Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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