just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
