Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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