I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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