Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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