Screwed.edu
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
