I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize