let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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