They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
