Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
