If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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