he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
