i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
