meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize