No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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