And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
