A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
